Made For More

A new song that I have on repeat in my brain and Spotify lately is by Josh Baldwin and Jen Johnson, Made for More. The line that gets me is: I wasn’t made to be tending a grave.

I know that it’s a deeply theological statement about not focusing on our sins and failures but all I can think of is Pete’s grave. As I’ve passed the 2nd holiday season without him here and the 2 year anniversary of his death, that song means a lot to me. 

I know God would have it this way but I also think Pete would wish this for me as well.  

I know who I am 'cause I know who You are

The cross of salvation was only the start

Now I am chosen, free and forgiven

I have a future and it's worth the living

'Cause I wasn't made to be tending a grave

I was called by name

Born and raised back to life again

I was made for more

So why would I make a bed in my shame

When a fountain of grace is running my way

I know I am Yours

And I was made for more

I know who I am 'cause I know who You are

The cross of salvation was only the start

Now I am chosen, free and forgiven

I have a future and it's worth the living

'Cause I wasn't made to be tending a grave

I was called by name

Born and raised back to life again

I was made for more

So why would I make a bed in my shame

When a fountain of grace is running my way

I know I am Yours

And I was made for more

What does “more” mean for me?  Of course, it doesn’t mean forgetting the love and life I had with Pete or the disappearance of my elephant. It does mean that I’ve made it through two years of:

Dealing with my emotions head-on

Celebrating major life changes in the family without Pete 

Making new memories where we used to live in Washington state on the 2-year anniversary 

Watching all of the sappy movies we loved and bawling through them

Moving 6 times

Beating myself up for “floundering” in various decisions but working to give myself grace and mercy 

It does mean, too, that I will be: 

Thinking higher of myself because I survived two years

Grateful for the good and hard memories I was a part of, as well as the friendships that have carried me

Kinder with myself

Hopeful for a relationship in the future but also working on loving myself and not rushing anything to just avoid loneliness

Holding loosely what I can’t affect but depending on Him to change what only He can do 

I don’t know what all “more” He has planned for me, but I am open to it all, thankful for who I am today, and expectant of more than I can ever think of or imagine.